Taylor is a simple man. His upbringing in the Idaho countryside shaped his lifelong love for the simple pleasures. His favorite dessert is a plain pie crust. His ideal evening is to snuggle up on the couch with the littles to read Little House on the Prairie together. If Taylor could swing it, he’d move his wife and children back to rural Virginia, farm organic blueberries, and live a quiet life.

Unfortunately for this gentle soul, he’s married to me. The need to bother anything that looks remotely at peace is in my DNA. And Taylor being Taylor means he is ripe for the pranking, especially for his favorite holiday: Christmas!

Somewhere in the haze of a finals-induced manic episode at 4 am, I ignored my tax research paper and wrote the family Christmas newsletter instead:

I immediately sent off the finished product to the printers, failed my final, and mailed the newsletter to a few hundred people.

To my absolute delight, many of you also enjoy a good prank and/or gossiping about Australia. Tiara and Amy won The Text Taylor contest, but all the submissions were too important not to share. What began as a silly contest proved to be a solid list of reasons why I am never setting foot on Australian soil. Namely because the ground is actually made of 3-feet-long earthworms.

Behold: 28 Reasons Why Australia is the Land of Absolutely Not.

1. Hey Taylor! Just so you know Australia really said, ‘Why just exist when you can traumatize people?’ Turns out, cicadas there don’t just scream like tiny demons—they also pee on you. Like, full-on bug sprinkle from above. 🌧️💩 It’s like nature’s version of getting hit by bird poop but WAY grosser because it’s bug juice. So yeah, in Australia, even the shade can be a literal pissing contest. Enjoy that mental image. -Caden S.

2. The Australian Curriculum: Mathematics is organised around the interaction of three content strands and four proficiency strands. The content strands are number and algebra, measurement and geometry, and statistics and probability. They describe what is to be taught and learnt. –Katherine S. (Editor’s note: this is scary because MATH.)

3. Hello, TAYLOR, and thank you for signing up for Australia Fax! We appreciate that you know the importance of spreading awareness of Australia. To express our appreciation you will receive a fact every day about Australia. Like… Australia is as wide as the distance between London to Moscow. How neat! Thanks for signing up for Australian Fax! Standard message and data rates apply. Reply STOP to stop receiving one fact a day and instead receive two facts a day. –Lexi C.

4. Here is your daily Australia Fact! Before Melbourne was Melbourne, it was a small settlement on the Yarra River, which was founded by a man called John Batman. He came across the site which is now known as Central Melbourne in 1835, decided it would be a fine place to start a village and declared it “Batmania.” In 1837 however, it was officially named Melbourne, after the then British prime minister William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne. This name, unlike Batmania, stuck. Until next time, Australian Fax -Lexi C.

5. Australia is the only continent without an active volcano! Also, the oldest evidence of life on Earth was found in Australia.

6. Additionally, the platypus is monotreme, a kind of mammal that lays eggs instead of giving birth to live young. There are only four other monotremes, the others being different species of echidnas, another animal endemic to Australia.

7. The platypus is also one of the few species of venomous mammals in the world.

8. Did you know that there is a sacred rock that rises from the desert in Australia called Uluru? Visitors are asked not to climb it out of respect for the cultural significance, so be aware of that on your next visit -Cami C.

9. I thought you should know that wombats, native to Australia poop cubes. This has baffled researchers for a long time but they believe the answer has to do with the drying that happens in the home stretch of the colon combined with the muscle contractions that happen. -Corey R.

10. Native to Australia, the Wombat has never been able to order the 3 for 5 deal at their local Dominos or obtain vital medical records. The oppression never ends.

11. Did you know Australia is the land of nope?

12. Don’t trust their cute Australian accent either. My friend paid $2K to go to a wellness retreat hosted by a sheila and was fat-shamed the first day. Needless to say, she left soon after. -Tiara V.

13. The Australian national army waged war against emus. After a lengthy battle, the government declared defeat against the vicious emus. It’s known as one of the greatest upsets in military history.

14. Australia lost… twice! #LongLiveTheEmuDictators – Amy H.

15.

16. Every year on January 26, Australia has a thong-throwing contest. -Dennis W.

17. Hi Taylor! I thought you might be interested to hear that Australian red kangaroos are not afraid to fight. They even use kickboxing to determine the alpha male in their group.😀😀 -Anna T.

18. For every one person in Australia, there are eight sheep. That means there are approximately 150 million sheep residing in Australia as opposed to only 20 million people. -Ryan F.

19. In Australia the “V” sign (made with index and middle fingers, palm facing inward) is a very vulgar gesture. The “thumbs up” gesture is also considered obscene. –Nate W.

20. Fun fact: Australia and New Guinea are the only places in the world that have wild kangaroos. Disturbing fact: female kangaroos have two vaginas. I-guess-it-makes-sense-fact: male kangaroos have two penises –Maren W.

21. Speaking of Australia did you know that Over 80% of Australia’s mammals, reptiles, and frogs are found nowhere else on Earth. Speaking of the platypus, WHEN THE FIRST PLATYPUS WAS SENT TO ENGLAND, IT WAS BELIEVED THAT THE AUSTRALIANS HAD PLAYED A JOKE ON THE BRITS BY SEWING THE BILL OF A DUCK ONTO A RAT. Yep, biologists in England quite simply thought someone was playing a cruel prank on them. Nope. It’s a real thing that exists. This egg-laying mammal also contains enough venom in the spur of its hind foot to kill a dog. Mother Nature sure does have a sense of humor!!! -Trent T.

22. Speaking of fences, did you know Australia CONTAINS THE LONGEST FENCE IN THE WORLD?? The Dingo Fence or Dog Fence was constructed in the 1880s, to keep Australia’s native dog the Dingo out of the south-east part of the continent and away from sheep. It stretches 3,488 miles from South Australia along the Western border of NSW, into Queensland. -Trent T.

23. Did you know KANGAROOS AND EMUS CAN’T WALK BACKWARDS, WHICH IS WHY THEY WERE CHOSEN FOR THE COUNTRY’S COAT OF ARMS?? Speaking of Kangaroos Kangaroo and emu both happen to be delicious. So… they eat them (apparently they’re one of the few countries that willingly dines on their national animals)! That’s ok cause the roos outnumber humans in Australia by about 2 to 1 and they destroy fences (so much for the Dog Fence!), eat more than their fair share of native grasses, and wreak havoc on roads, as they’re liable to become roadkill, but are so large that they can cause real damage to cars! -Trent T.

24. THE COUNTRY HAS A FERAL CAMEL PROBLEM. Here’s another invasive species which is wreaking havoc on Australia’s biodiversity. The camel was introduced in the mid 1800s, in order to help build the first railroad across Australia. Horses couldn’t hack the arid desert climate – camels thrive in it. -Trent T.

25. Many were released into the wild, rather than being put down as instructed. And that’s where we’re at today, with the government having to organize regular culls, to keep their numbers from exploding!! WOW! WHAT A PLACE! –Trent T.

26. Steve Irwin once discovered a new species of turtle called the Elseya irwini, also known as the Irwin’s turtle. – Londi B.

27. His son Robert carries on the legacy of saving animals, including turtles. This link is a reel of him saving a turtle from a highway. – Londi B.

28. The Australia Zoo is also owned by the Irwin family who live at the zoo. –Londi B

Thank you for helping me achieve the goal of spreading awareness of Australian horrors and trusting husbands. Taylor was so annoyed by the 3rd day of receiving random texts that he now hates Australia and pledged to read anything I write. Win!

Yours in merry pranks,

Chaunbon 😁