This lonely heart randomly messaged me the other day. There was no reason for her to do so. My profile picture featured a stingray floating over my head. Most people would not consider my pfp as an invitation of friendship.

Most people are not Alycia Spencer.

Alycia Spencer: Hello, how are you doing today?

Chaun: Nyello

Alycia Spencer: How are you doing today?

Chaun: I’m good. My wife left me, I’m dead broke, and can’t quit Daniel Tiger. Can’t complain! #blessed

Alycia Spencer: How do you mean your wife left you? You’re single?

Chaun: Only in matrimony

Alycia Spencer: So sad to hear that

Chaun: I prefer it, actually

Alycia Spencer: Really???

Chaun Jacobs: Did you know you have a first name for a last name?

Alycia Spencer: Actually I’m single

Chaun: Oh. So it’s Alycia Single? Or Single Spencer?

Alycia Spencer: Did you mean Alycia? What’s wrong with my last name?

Chaun: Well, it’s a first name, first of all.

Alycia Spencer: I just prefer to use it that way on the app. How long have you been on this app?

Chaun: Are you gay, by chance?

Alycia Spencer: What do you mean? 😥 I’m a woman! Alycia does that sound like a man’s name!

Chaun: Women can be gay too, no need to discriminate!

Alycia Spencer: No I’m not a gay

Chaun: Gross. We can NOT be friends.

Alycia Spencer: Sure we can be friends

Chaun: no can do scooby do

Alycia Spencer: But we’ll get to know each other better. If we becomes friends.

Chaun: Why?

Alycia Spencer: You said you want us to be friends right?

Chaun: I admire your tenacity to fortify an unlikely friendship.

Alycia Spencer: Why. Because I’m not a gay?

Chaun: What? No? Why would I care about that???

Alycia Spencer: …

Chaun: …

Alycia Spencer: nvm bye

Chaun: Wait! I thought you said we were gonna be friends 😦

Alycia Spencer: But you JUST said no.

Chaun: I’ve had a lot of time to think about it and I’ve changed my mind.

Alycia Spencer: … so what now? 😉

Chaun: Your application for friendship has been accepted. Please send the corresponding fees via wire transfer.

• Application fee… $45
• Daily conversation (radio edit) … $1.00
• Depression screenings … $8.98
• Honorary Harvard Business Degree … $98
• Bi-annual wishes … $12.98
  Note, as a one-time courtesy, the friendship application fee has been waived. This brings your total due $545.00

Alycia Spencer: what

Chaun: Please note, I am bound by law to discontinue any further communication until payment has been received.

Alycia Spencer: …

Chaun: …

Alycia Spencer: So where are you from?

Chaun: Roswell, New Mexico

I anxiously waited for her to ask for my banking info. But no such luck. Clearly, she was playing hard-to-get-Chaun-money. I respectfully tried again one week later.

Do you think she’ll sell me discounted gift cards?