For the past week, I’ve been helping out with a funeral for in my neighborhood. This is my first time ever doing something like this. I’ve never really wondered who designs and prints the funeral programs, nor wondered who makes the brownies for the luncheon. In this particular case, I am one of the brownie-making people. Who knew actual people made the brownies?

As I’ve been hearing bits and pieces of the funeral planning, it’s got me excited about one of my favorite things to plan for. My own funeral! It’s going to be grand and wonderful and honestly a doggone shame that I won’t be there for it. (Unless… of course… I fake my own death… and burst through the doors screaming “I object” during the reading of my eulogy… Decisions, decisions!)

This conversation happened last night:

Chaun: Note to self. Decide on catering for my funeral. Also: wedding cake?

Taylor: Excuse me? What’s happening?

Chaun: Oh, just getting some of the details worked out for my funeral.

Taylor: YOUR funeral?? The one that you can’t attend…???

Chaun: Exactly. I can’t trust you to execute it how I want it, since you tend to downplay my words. Don’t argue with me on this one; I’ve heard you talk yourself out of taking me to the emergency room.

Taylor: To be fair, you tend to react very strongly to, well, everything, and it’s hard to know when i-

Chaun: -Anyway, since I won’t be there to give directions for my funeral reception, I am getting the specifics in writing. Ooh, note to self, see if a bagpipe player can be legalized in my will.

Taylor: Wow. How even would I describe this behavior?

Chaun: Thoughtful? I agree, and you’re welcome. This should save you the headache in 61 years from now.

Taylor: Nope, that’s not it.

Chaun: *genuinely confused* Prepared? Involved? Dedicated?

Taylor: No. Controlling. You’re definitely controlling.

Chaun: *offended* What?! When have I ever acted like a controlling person?!

Taylor: …

Chaun: …

Taylor: Huh. You know, I can’t really think of any specific times or events.

Chaun: You obviously can and you’re now afraid to specify said times and events. Out with it! Speak on this!

Taylor: … I mean, can we examine your tone here or…?

You tell me reader: is this actually controlling behavior???

Now, I want to make it clear that I’m not suicidal or seeking death in any way, shape, or form. You might also think I’m too young and beautiful and funny to be thinking of my own death. Of course, you’re absolutely right about all of those things. Unfortunately, death does not care how young or beautiful or funny I am. Death has a schedule to keep and a quota to fill. You just never know quite when it’s going to be your turn to go home to heaven. We must be prepared!

Plus, I am very disgruntled that the only party my husband will throw for me is when I’m literally too dead to attend. It’s frustrating to think my final celebration might be a flop. Unacceptable.

Do you appreciate my point here? Taylor does not. Even though Taylor will eventually be grateful for it when his crazed, type A wife is gone so he can enjoy his disorganized, reckless life in peace and quiet 🙂

I’ll come back soon with part 2. This time with my terrific funeral plans!