I was having a sick day.

Sick days call for bags of chocolate chips and a double binge on episodes for the Great British Bake Off. (Also- I CRIED at the first finale. WHY IS THIS SHOW SO ADORABLE.)

Anyway, while I was eating a bag of raw chocolate chips and making myself an expert on tempered chocolate by doing nothing other than watching a dozen people make chocolate trees for cake toppers, I noticed my throat had become raw and sore.

On my desk sits a little vial of peppermint oil a friend gave me awhile ago. I’d only used it once before for a stuffy nose. I diligently followed the instructions to rub the oil on the bottom of my foot, but did so in hiding because I was afraid someone would accuse me of witchcraft. Or worse, an Epidemiologist. Technically that stuffy nose did clear up the next day, but I still wasn’t convinced on the magical properties of essential oils.

Still, I figured a shot of the peppermint oil for my current sore throat would only A) Do Nothing or B) Do Something, so it was worth a second shot. (Based on my scientific reasoning alone, it’s a damn shame that I didn’t become a world renowned chemist.)

I pried open the little vial and dabbed a bit of the oil under my nose to get a good whiff of it.

A GOOD WHIFF INDEED.

Peppermint is delightfully pungent. DELIGHTFUL. It reeks like smoke, but the kind of smoke that emits from the Keebler elves’ wood burning stove. As a general rule of thumb, I rarely stop myself when I have a moderate, healthy amount of a good thing anyway. For good measure, I dabbed a second brush of peppermint oil under my nose. And then a third, on my foot, but don’t tell anyone I did that.

SO MUCH PEPPERMINT DELIGHT.

The throat pain was cleared up impressively within seconds. The yucky sludge stuff plugged up in there started clearing up as well. It worked! I didn’t both washing my hands because hand washing is for the weak!

Feeling relatively pleased that I didn’t have that bothersome throat cold to worry about, I returned my attention back to the Black Forest mirror glaze cake that an adorable British lady was now frosting. As she began designing her chocolate trees, a tear of admiration rode down my face. I absentmindedly wiped my left eye.

Cue immediate shock.

For the first few seconds, I screamed. Internally. And a little bit externally too, if I’m being honest. I really don’t know as much as I should about the human body. But it’s probably a safe bet that experimenting with alternative medicines, then one ought to not get it in their cornea. I only have two eyes, and they’re not very good at doing their job of seeing eyes anyway, so I sought help. Fully aware I was about to subject my ego to the alter, I called Poison Control about my predicament.

POISON CONTROL: Hello, how can I help you with your emergency?

Chaun: Ohhhh boyyyyyy, hi, I’m really sorry, but I’ve done something stupid, and I’m about to waste your time at work. I just rubbed peppermint oil in my eye.

Brain: Uh oh. I feel a ramble coming on.

Chaun: Um, it was by accident, by the way. I’m not a weird person. Not to heal something weird, ahm-

Brain: Please don’t offer a backstory.

Chaun: It was my friend actually. See, I’ve got a head cold coming on and she convinced me to try preventing it-

Brain: THAT’S A BALD FACED LIE AND YOU KNOW IT

Chaun: -and is there anything I should do other than washing my eye?

POISON CONTROL: Um… Okay. Let me make sure I understand. You’ve got peppermint oil in your eye?

Chaun: Yeeeiiissssshhhh.

Brain: There were a million ways to say “yes” without sounding gross about it.

POISON CONTROL: It’s just the oil?

Chaun: [whispers] Like the essential oil kind.

Brain: I can hear his coworkers laughing in the background. LAUGHING.

POISON CONTROL: Are you currently experiencing any pain or irritation?

Chaun: Uhmmmmm I’m not sure. My eye doesn’t feel painful or itchy. It feels… fresh.

Poison Control: Your eye feels… fresh?

Chaun: Yea, like I’ve washed it with toothpaste. It feels like super clean. Minty fresh. Kinda feels good, actually? Like yummy for the eye?

Brain: Nice delivery, Shrek. Consider this entire conversation as a core memory.

Poison Control: Oh…Kay… I admit this is a first for me.

Chaun: I’m not endorsing this, by the way. I mean, sure, it feels nice, but that’s probably not a good thing, and Mrs. Martinez- that’s my chemistry teacher- told me to use a wash station but I never did because I didn’t want to blow off my waterproof mascara because there were boys to woo and now I wear glasses. CLEARLY I MADE A MISTAKE AMIRIGHT HAHAHAHA

POISON CONTROL: *laughs uncomfortably*

Brain: Next time you try to fall asleep, I’m going to replay this entire conversation. REPEATEDLY.

The Poison Control rep advised to remove my contacts and washing my eyes out. Which I didn’t do right away because that seemed inconvenient to wash off the mascara I’d just put on.

Now, if I couldn’t embarrass myself further on this blog, stick around for a sec.

I obeyed his instructions and threw cupfuls of water into my face. And then peed myself washing out my eyes because I have a tiny, unstable bladder. That made me feel badly about myself, so I took another whiff of peppermint oil because it’s a -say it with me – damn delight. I sniffed the fragrance with the confidence of Barry Marshall swallowing stomach ulcer juice. Peppermint oil may cause double mint vision, but it also can cure a sore throat and low self confidence !

BUT THEN.

After now having developed cancerous pores from breathing in so much peppermint in a single evening, the throat tinglies came back. Tinglies turned to itches. Within the hour, I was back to coughing mucus and weeping over showstopper segment of the Great British Bake Off. Within a year I lost all vision. I’m actually blind now and am typing this post by brail.

Should’ve listened to Mrs. Martinez after all.