This last semester was really difficult.

A lot of great things happened. We found a new family vacation spot (St. George), received the covid vaccine, and developed our garden.

There were a lot of hardships, too.

Looking back at the last few months, I asked Taylor how on earth we survived it. I surmised that we found some sort of inner strength that we didn’t know we had, but didn’t understand why we still feel mentally overwhelmed now that we’re out on summer break. Taylor’s reply was that yes, we did use some inner strength, but it came out on a loan. He termed it “energy debt”, and that we’re paying the interest on it by way of irritability, while still trying to muster up the energy to put a load of dishes in the dishwasher.

I love this idea of “energy debt”. In an effort to repay back the loan on whatever was sacrificed in order to survive last semester, my therapist and I have been rediscovering fulfilling hobbies that serve no one but myself. Here are a few that are rejuvenating my energy well.

Acoustic Guitar

Something about bringing out my cherry red guitar took me to a mental place in my brain. I was suddenly 16 again, in my sky-blue painted bedroom. A black quilt lay on my bed, donned with a couple of stuffed animals. Funny enough, I never learned how to sing and play the guitar at the same time. I hope that will change with practice.

Movies

I used to work on a professional film crew. I have two unfinished screenplays and 3 desperately underdeveloped youtube channels for my little projects. I love video creation. And yet, I rarely ever watch movies.

Taylor isn’t a movie person, at all. He can, and will, go without a show for years at a time. If he does watch a show, it’s usually very clean, short, and “worth wasting time on”. (Neither of us care for sexual content or gore, though I’m quite a bit more lax than he on mature themes.) He’s never been opinionated about the movies I want to watch, aside from an eye roll if I pull up a romcom. Whenever I’ve put on a movie that he’s uninterested in, he quietly excuses himself to another activity.

For whatever reason though, in the past 7 years we’ve been married, I have felt a little guilty about playing a movie that made someone in my house uncomfortable. Over the course of time, I chose to watch only when he wasn’t around in the house. And then with kids home with me all day, I stopped watching movies entirely.

And it made me sad.

Within the past month or so, I had a great “Oh just screw it” mental moment, and put on some ridiculous netflix show. It was so cringey and it was wonderful. Just this morning, on the verge of an anxiety attack, I put on the “Yes Day” film for the first time. The kids curled up in bed with me to watch it and we really loved it! (Aside from the scene of the mom feeling guilty about browsing through her daughter’s cell phone. I’ll never read my kids’ journals, but cell phones are free game for mom and dad to go through.)

Movies are one of my love languages and I’m so happy to be free from the mental block that I can’t enjoy them.

Baths

I’ve never been a bath person, ever. Yet on our St. George trip, I discovered how nice it is to sit in an epsom salt bath and read a book. For Mother’s Day, both Taylor and my parents surprised me with bath sets. (I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m hoping to get a bath neck rest for my birthday this summer 🙂 )

When I engage in these hobbies, I feel the burden in my heart & mind decrease. I don’t have enough strength to take on the world (yet), but little by little, the energy debt is being paid in full.