It’s finals week and I’m supposed to be studying for mircoeconomics witchcraft for businessfolk and it’s all very stressful and I’m stuffing myself with the Cadbury chocolates that my neighbor gave to the entire family and I accidentally ate a hazelnut when the allergist said I need to avoid them and have I mentioned I’m stressed?

This stress-feasting on the entire family’s Christmas present in a single study session of hexes & oligopolies reminded me of this one awful thing Taylor did one time trying to support me.

This is the premise: I get sad sometimes, who self inflicts with sugary sweets like a car needs gasoline.

And one night I was feeling this sadness and needing someone to care for me, so I did the thing. The thing where I turned to my better half, my lover in the daytime, my man who hated budgeting enough that he picked a random girl from college who worked part time as a bank teller and designated her as the soul mate that he would protect and love and support for all the times and all the eternities.

That guy. I turned to him.

And I said: Hey, my man. I’m sad. Will you make me some cookie dough?

And my knight on the white horse said: Sure, Wife!

Content, I went back to my sad ways, moping about, trilling TSwift’s Dear John just to really feel the heartbreak.

About 10 minutes passed, and I could just feel something was wrong. By this time, I was scream singing Bad Blood in my closet (away from the children), so I was hyper aware of besties turning foe. With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I ventured from my singing closet to the kitchen to check in on the father of my children, the fur-ther of my cats.

This conversation ensued:

Chaun: *Peeking in on Taylor* What are you doing??

Taylor: *furiously stirring a bowl of sludge* Making cookie dough!

Chaun: That is not cookie dough.

Taylor: Yes, it is!

Chaun: Did you follow the recipe?

Taylor: *indignantly* Yes!

Chaun: Did you add shortening?

Taylor: Well, no, but-

Chaun: How many eggs did you add??

Taylor: Well, we had extras so-

Chaun: Did you use WHEAT flour?!

Taylor: I only substituted half!

Chaun: FLAX?!

Taylor: I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES WHEN YOU STRESS EAT OKAY.

I took that bowl of Shrek’s Swamp Delight, turned away from my domestic married partner, and retreated to my scream singing closet to listen to Out of the Woods.

I never asked for cookie dough again.