I peek in on the babies before bed.

Tonight begins with Sander. His body has rolled against the crib bars, his blanket over his face. His arms are flung up around his face, looking like that touchdown thing in football fields.

This is my favorite sleeping child position. It’s so cute. I remove the small baby blanket covering his little face, and attempt to slow my racing heart. His wild sleep antics are why I still take anti-anxiety meds 18 months after his birth. Sander lets out a huff and rolls over.

Good night, little boy.

I peer in on Archer. He is a wild card. Sometimes he sleeps like a touchdown but other times, I find him sprawled with legs dangling off the bed. He looks to be mid-wrestling match with a dream opponent. His clothing is wild. He’s wiggled an arm, a leg, and half a head out of his pajamies. He is also on verge of being smothered to death, so I fix his clothing. Archer insists on being tucked in with a 2 foot tall Mario stuffy, and yet Mario is chucked halfway across the room. I return Mario back to Archer’s side.

Tonight, Archer looked relaxed in his sleep. His lashes look longer, resting on those fat toddler cheeks. Is that a new scar on his cheek? Where did he get that one?? Uncovered toes are retucked into the blanket. This movement makes him flinch and roll over. This makes me flinch and ready to sprint for the door. Archer snuffles and rolls over.

Good night, little boy.

Finally I look in on Arrow. She is sleeping gracefully, the days of wildly flung baby arms long behind her. In her mature, purpose-driven life of 6 years of age, she now sleeps in the scrunched shape of a hungry hungry caterpillar. I notice her eyelashes have also grown longer. She has her Daddy’s lashes. Arrow is snuggled deeply in her plush comforter, peaking at pinnacle comfort. She has her Mama’s comfort requirements.

Her face is so peaceful. I tuck an extra blanket on her feet. A unicorn stuffy, a Nez Perce native american doll, and a teddy bear are gathered close around, sharing in the snoozefest. Tomorrow she will rule the world in love and sheer force, but tonight she rests.

Good night, little girl.

Sleepiness tugs at my brain. The melatonin has kicked in. With one last look at my babies, gratitude and light fill my heart. I smile and thank God for sharing these little souls with me. In all my hard work to provide a better future for myself and my family, the present is still full of good moments now.

Then, sitting in bed next to my husbands sleeping form, I break my no cellphone before bed rule to write this down.

I don’t want to forget these nights.