I’m not sure what’s going on in Utah lately, but it seems the odd folk are out and about more often than usual. This here is a collection of oddities I’ve heard recently.

*****

I’m a conservative

At the thrift store looking at vintage wedding dresses. Random lady comes up to my teenage sister and me.

Lady: Are you girls getting married?

Us: Uh… no. Just looking at these pretty dresses.

Lady: Oh okay. Well these sure are ugly, aren’t they? I’m a conservative. I wouldn’t wear these old bags though.

Lady is wearing a collar high shirt and jeans, so I accept that’s she’s a modest dresser.

Lady: I wouldn’t wear the long dresses though. That’s too much. Knee length is better. Oh! This is perfect.

She pulls out a neon purple, sleeveless, low-cut prom dress, with a hemline that hardly covers the important stuff.

Lady: Yes, this would be perfect if I ever got married again.

*****

Two Dollars

At a gas station where a customer and cashier have a cost debate. I am stuck in line behind the customer, ever increasingly late for a meeting.

Customer: How much are these?

Clerk: A dollar.

Customer: Well the sign says two for two dollars.

Clerk: So it’s really just one dollar per bottle of Coke, right?

Customer: (pauses) No. I don’t think so. I think it’s just two dollars.

Clerk: Okay, I understand. Let me go check with my manager.

Several minutes pass. I am positively bouncing on the balls of my feet.

Clerk (returns): Okay, yup you were right. Your total is two dollars.

Cue me screaming internally.

*****

Maybe she’ll pull a knife on me, maybe she won’t.

While waiting for my train to arrive, a strange woman sits next to me. She starts to talk about the how Utah has disappointed her and other various topics that don’t seem to have any relationship from one sentence to the next. I don’t know how to respond to any of it, so I pull out my phone to check the time.

Woman: Yeah, you better look at your phone. She sighs.

Chaun: Oh, Uh-

Woman: *singing* I hope you live!

Chaun: Come again?

She abruptly stands. I suppress a laugh because this is ridiculous. I also shrink into my seat because #sketchy. Instead of pulling out a knife or launching into another tirade, she jumps out of the train and into another as it begins to leave in the opposite direction.

Chaun: I missed Salt Lake.